


I don't feel well

by KytePeregrine



Series: mental health with Kyte [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Bullying, Depression, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 09:42:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28776267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KytePeregrine/pseuds/KytePeregrine
Summary: This is how I personally would describe and explain my depression. This is not to make anyone sad or pity me. this is to spread awareness of how debilitating and serious mental health issues can be.
Series: mental health with Kyte [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2104653
Kudos: 1





	I don't feel well

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I did write this while having a breakdown in my therapists office. How could you tell?
> 
> No, but being serious, if you recognise something in yourself from this I recommend seeking professional help. It does not make you weak it makes you a survivor.

I don’t feel well.

It’s not something you can see. I plaster it over with fake smiles and laughs for the mask, the covering.

Recently the plaster has been peeling from the fucked-up mess that is me, the cracks are showing in

my eyes, but I have nothing to fill them with. I feel empty.

It’s the sort of illness you can’t see.

The kind in the mind, rooted deep. I can’t fight anymore so I let it grow and the more it does, the harder

it will be to finally uproot. At present I don’t feel like this weed will ever go away. And it’s not the sort

you can kill with a spray of jokes and sarcasm. Because it’s just emptiness, nothing to kill just things to

fill.

I’m breaking, and no one’s seeing.

One day, one day soon I feel I will collapse and do something irreversible. It’s not one big cut you can protect

me from, it’s a million paper cuts every single day.

I’m a ghost of my former self.

I feel transparent. People look at me and they see a book-loving, good for nothing, try hard, worthless, retard.

They don’t bother to stop and look, say hi, ask how I’m feeling. They see a shell. And the inside was slowly

used up deflecting comments. This shell turns to violence and anger as the mind shields itself building walls

real emotions for the foundations; pain, frustration, sadness. And the visible material composed of fake

emotions pushed to the surface. But every so often...

The wall will crumble.

The shell gets crushed.

Sometimes even a shell can’t protect a fragile creature. The creature screams and cries its death throes.

Hating to think of all the living things its death affects but being helpless to stop doing so anyway.

So, it finds a way to scramble, and run, and keep breathing, somehow keep surviving.

But most days you can find that creature sitting in a corner reading a book, wondering why they bother

to get up or eat or learn, go to school, survive. If the shell will just get crushed again. The bullies, the

predators will do it.

This creature’s a parasite, an infestation. It’s not meant to be, a mistake. All the things its reminded

it is every day.

So sure, it may look fine on the outside but when the shell gets crushed its opened up and the grief, regrets

and mistakes spill out. It can’t breathe, its trapped in its own tailor-made hell created by the unconsciousness

of society. And the consciousness of some individuals who feel so insecure about themselves and don’t internalise

this, thinking its everyone else’s fault that their life isn’t a fairy tale. Anything different is a worthless mistake

in the narrative society tells for bedtime stories.

Different like me.

In all this notice there is a difference between living and surviving.

Living is feeling something, enjoying life and awaiting the next day eagerly.

Surviving is an empty existence. where your only purpose is to do just that,

survive.

And sometimes that can be harder than some people believe. The mental equivalent of climbing Everest, and

sometimes you feel as if you have no legs to walk on. As if the mountainside is slipping away under your feet.

What if the only way to be saved, is to come out of your shell, and run.

**Author's Note:**

> Suicide prevention hotline- 1-800-273-8255  
> ChildLine- 0800 1111
> 
> I am not a licensed psychologist, therapist or councillor. If you would like help with mental health issues I recommend professional help not online forums, although they can be a good support tool outside of professional help.


End file.
